THE GREAT STORY (PLZ READ)

[Zachariah]

The Story of Ziggy, an ancient being

Good day to you all, I am your host for tonight Ziggy, and I would like to say I have been off my meds for a while now and would like to read you a story I wrote; so please grab a cup of hot coco and pull up a chair and enjoy the story

*opens book*

Long before man as we knew him walked this utopia there was ME, Ziggy of course for those who do not know. I roamed its endless wastes for countless eons as the world formed, but encountered problems, I desired sweet sweet booze; unfortunately there was none known to exist. I quickly came to the conclusion that I should harness my vast intellect to create said booze, so I set out murdering dinosaurs with a knife gifted to me by my lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Soon after acquiring the needed resources I set about constructing a machine made out of dinosaur brain matter to distill 5000 proof moonshine, within in a year I had more than enough to drink…yet again I was met by another setback…the moonshine was too strong, so once again I headed into the wild and murdered more dinosaurs for their blood to mix with the moonshine, this indeed proved successful but cups to hold the said moonshine were not in existence. No one had invited them yet, who would have? Dinosaurs? What the fuck does a tyrannosaurus rex need with a godamn cup? HUH!? DO YOU THINK THAT SHIT FOR BRAISN DINOSAURE NEEDS A CUP!? So you want to play the what if game!? What if your aunt had balls!!! I SUPPOSE AFTER THIS TYRANOSAURUS REX INVENTED A CUP HE WOULD GO ON TO INVENT A NEW TRANSDIMENSIONAL YOGA MADE OF HATRED AND FEAR! YEAH I BET YOU THINK YOU’RE A TOUGH GUY NOW FOR THINKING THAT ONE UP! WELL YOU CANT ITS MY STORY SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

As I was saying, once again utilizing my vast intellect I invented cups, out of what recourses I could find (wood and rocks) these cups were a success and I could finally drink my sweet sweet moonshine. But the world was developing more at the same time, humans began to walk the earth, while they saw I was a being of unimaginable intellect, age and wisdom they found my inventions terrifying! My cups were burned at the stake and buried! While it saddened me it was only a minor setback. For they had invited me to join their growing tribe.


For generations I lived with my new subjects. They soon made me chief and once more all was good in the land…except for one problem! They were gay, you see back then cavemen were gay, all of them, buttsecks having flamming gay homosexuals. I decided to bestow one of my most greatest inventions onto them! Heterosexuality. For forty days and forty nights I told them of tits and ass and straight up grade A pussy, after 40 days they were cured PRAISE JESUS. Seeing that they no longer lusted after other male caveman ass they thanked me by making me their god emperor!

THE END…or is it…

[Zachariah]

While many think I am the ONLY ancient being in existence that’s where you are wrong, you see, around the time I arrived on this molten rock that would one day be called earth so did Margaret Wise Brown. As I continued on inventing marvelous things; cups, heterosexuality and moonshine she was busy writing a book with words (which I invented). Her first book was named “Goodnight Nigga” but it was a failure, you see at the time I was too lazy to bring forth science, ergo nothing in this world and universe could be comprehended by cavemen or robots…you see no one knew what a nigga was, they had not been discovered yet.

So I got pissed and helped that bitch Margaret Wise Brown write another book, she dubbed this goodnight rock, by that time I had introduced a minimal level of science into to the population of robots and cavemen, this so called rock was indeed the moon. With help the book was a success and it went on cave oprah’s book of the month club. She would later take my advice and write an updated version called “Goodnight moon”